“True repentance is no light matter. It is a thorough change of heart about sin, a change showing itself in godly sorrow and humiliation - in heartfelt confession before the throne of grace - in a complete breaking off from sinful habits, and an abiding hatred of all sin. Such repentance is the inseparable companion of saving faith in Christ.” -J.C. Ryle
[This article is the sixth part of a new series on the topic of toxic leadership in the church, which is the topic I am teaching about at Pepperdine’s Harbor Conference this year.]
The Unhealthy Ways Toxic Leaders Respond to Confrontation
One of the insights Michael Kruger shares in Bully Pulpit is the fact that abusive leaders tend to follow an eerily similar pattern of behavior when accusations are made against them. It’s almost as if they’re all using the same script, or reading from the same playbook:
“…Abusive leaders employ aggressive and well-orchestrated tactics to keep from being discovered. These tactics are so common in cases across the country that it almost seems as if the abusive pastors are reading from the same playbook. [Bill] Hybels engaged in some of the most common of these tactics, including profuse denials, rallying a group of defenders, attacking the accusers, and making himself out to be the victim of a conspiratorial plot to ruin his good name. In short, abusive pastors try to defend themselves by ‘flipping the script.’ Unfortunately, these tactics work.” -Michael Kruger, Bully Pulpit, p. 78-79.
Bully Pulpit names the following types of behaviors—what Dr. Kruger calls “flipping the script”—as the typical ways abusive leaders respond when their misconduct is brought to light:
The build a coalition of defenders
They complain that proper procedures weren’t followed
They claim to be the vicim (especially of slander)
They attack the character of the victims
They tout their own accomplishments
They play the sympathy card
Laura Barringer and Scot McKnight have a similar list of toxic responses that they walk through in A Church Called Tov:
Denial
Discredit and Demonize the Critics
Spin the Story
Gaslight
Make the Perpetrator the Victim
Silence or Suppress the Truth
Issue a Fake Apology
This mentality reminds of something called the Narcissist’s Creed:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
What I hear in those words is denial, minimization, gaslighting, deceit, and victim blaming. This type of attitude is completely out of step with the values of Christ’s kingdom and the lofty expectations he places on leaders who serve in the church.
If you notice any of these tendencies in the way you typically respond to allegations or accusations, spend some time in prayer and with some trusted friends (who are willing to speak the truth in love) so that you can cultivate a more humble, open heart.
How to Take Full Responsibility for Your Actions
Lundy Bancroft understands the mindset of abusers better than anyone else. As a counselor, his work has focused trying to rehabilitate men who have been incarcerated for abusing people. His book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men is based on his decades of experience working with these men, and it’s a fascinating (but disheartening) window into the minds of abusers.
One of the sections in his book talks about hard it is to get his clients to take full responsibility for their actions.
He has found that many of them are willing to go through a few of the steps, but they strenuously object to doing all of the work necessary to make amends for their actions. The sobering reality is that even the rock bottom experience of being thrown in prison isn’t enough to cause them to truly come to their senses and take responsibility for their actions.
I’ve taken one of the chapters from his book (chapter 14 — “The Process of Change”) and adapted it into ten steps a person needs to take in order to fully own up to their misconduct. As you read through these action items, consider how different this type of response is to what we’ve mentioned above (e.g. the Narcissist’s Creed).
Ten Steps to Taking Responsibility:
Fully admit that you committed the action(s) in question without minimizing them.
Admit that you did it on purpose, as a choice. No one forced you to do it.
Admit that what you did was wrong, then apologize for it.
Accept the other person’s right to be angry about what you did and acknowledge the effects of your actions.
Accept the consequences of your actions.
Devote long-term and serious effort toward making things right (i.e. restitution / making amends)
Lay aside your demands for forgiveness. Accept that you have no right to tell people how quickly they must move through the process of forgiveness and possible reconciliation.
Treat the other person consistently well from that point forward. Commit to not repeating those actions again.
Relinquish your negative views about the other person.
Submit to ongoing accountability.
Conclusion: Godly Sorrow in the Aftermath of Sin
What we’ve been talking about in today’s post is Godly Sorrow — a deep realization of the seriousness of your sin, coupled with a heartfelt commitment to doing better in the future. But we’re also talking about reconciliation, a lengthy process of healing the wounds that exist between two people and doing the hard work of rebuilding trust over time.
When healthy leaders sin, they are quick to confess, repent, and reconcile.
When toxic leaders sin, they deny everything, blame their victims, and play the sympathy card.
One way we can address the crisis of toxic leadership in the church is by asking God to give us a spirit of humility, repentance, and godly sorrow in the aftermath of our sin.
Other Posts in this Series:
The Crisis of Toxic Leadership in the Church (April 25, 2024)
Why Don’t Churches Ditch Their Toxic Leaders? (April 27, 2024)
Confronting the Toxic Leader in the Mirror (April 29, 2024)
Unattended Baggage (May 1, 2024)
A Test of Character (May 3, 2024)
Honoring God in the Aftermath of Sin (May 5, 2024)
Developing a Christlike Heart (May 7, 2024)
Stopping Toxic Leaders Before It’s Too Late (May 9, 2024)