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“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” -David Augsburger
When I was in high school, we performed a little experiment in my psychology class that demonstrated how hard it is to speak and listen at the same time. One student was given a textbook and asked to begin reading it out loud to the class. While they were doing that, another student was reading a short story to them from a different book. Then after a few moments, the student reading the textbook was asked a few basic questions about the story that was read.
Time after time, they were completely clueless about what they had heard. We repeated the experiment with several other students, but the results were always the same: You really can’t speak and listen at the same time.
God teaches us this principle in James 1:19-21:
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.” (NIV)
If you are a follower of Jesus, you are called to practice quick-slow-slow in your relationships:
Quick to Listen — Real, meaningful listening. Active listening that seeks to understand, not critique or respond (or win an argument).
Slow to Speak — Engaging our filter before blurting out every thought that pops into our brains. I encourage people to “T.H.I.N.K.” before they speak. Is it True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind? If not, consider keeping the comments to yourself.
Slow to Become Angry — Staying calm and showing patience before acting on your anger.
Why You Should Be Quick to Follow Quick / Slow / Slow
There’s lots of great reasons to put this principle into practice. But those reasons essentially boil down to loving God and loving our neighbors.
Let’s start with something simple. We practice quick / slow / slow in order to imitate God. One of the things we know about God is that he is a compassionate listener. When people cry out to him in pain or sorrow, he hears their prayers (see Psalm 34:17, 1 John 5:14-15, and Isaiah 65:24). Another thing we know about God is he is slow to anger (Exodus 34:6). So on a very simple level, we practice quick / slow / slow in order to become more like God.
But we also practice it because this is a great way to love our neighbors. Paul Tillich says that “the first duty of love is to listen.” That really resonates with me. There’s such a lack of real, meaningful listening in our world that when other people take the time to truly listen to us, we feel loved. If we want to love others, we’ll be quick to listen to them, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
Quick / Slow / Slow Aligns Our Hearts with the Will of God
Quick / slow / slow is about loving God and loving our neighbors. But there’s one more reason why it’s so important, and James mentions it in verse 21. God has planted his word in our hearts, and that word has the potential grow into something that can save us. But that there’s no guarantee that word will take root and grow on its own. We have to cultivate it with the right kind of heart and lifestyle.
It’s kind of like the Parable of the Sower that Jesus tells in the Gospels (Matthew 13). A farmer goes out to plant seed, and the seed falls on all kinds of different soils. The seed represents the Word of God, and only the seed that lands on good soil is able to produce the harvest of righteousness that God desires.
The seed is the same, it’s the soil that makes the difference.
As we come back to James 1, we see that God has planted his Word in our hearts, which means we are the soil. God wants to see that seed grow into a harvest of righteousness and salvation in our lives. But we know from the parable that some kinds of soils make it pretty much impossible for the seed to take root and turn into the harvest God desires. That’s the point James is making with quick / slow / slow.
He’s telling us that there are certain attitudes and actions that will get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish. We need to realize that worldly thoughts and actions (like the angry words, evil, and moral filth James mentions) can poison our soil and uproot the seed that God has planted in our hearts.
On the other hand, listening well, practicing patience, and keeping our tongue in check softens our hearts and brings us back into alignment with who God is and what he’s trying to accomplish.
And, it has the added bonus of dramatically improving the quality of our relationships with one another. Talk about a win/win!
Practical Tips on Active Listening
"Leaders who want to show sensitivity should listen often and long, and talk short and seldom. Many so-called leaders are too busy to listen. True leaders know that time spent listening is well invested.” -Oswald Sanders
Finally, I’d like to share some practical tips on how to be a great listener, courtesy of VeryWellMind.com:
Be fully present
Pay attention to non-verbal cues
Keep good eye contact
Ask open-ended questions
Reflect what you hear
Be patient
Withhold judgment
What else would you add to the list? Will you commit to implementing these in your relationships? What’s one small step you can take in that direction?
Watch the Sermon
This summer I am preaching through the book of James at Southwest Church of Christ. This post is based on part of my sermon from June 16, 2024, which you can watch here:
Thank you for the practical advice on being active listeners.
I also really like the THINK acronym when it comes to applying the strategy of “being slow to speak”. I have heard reminders in the past about making sure the words we say are true, necessary, and kind, so now I particularly want my conversations to also focus on being helpful and inspirational…putting courage into people during my conversations.